Summer rage peters out into dandelions of spring..
Unfathomable sky wavers into puffier dreams intense,
The sun feigns to peep in and blush away..
Musical chirrups and solemn melancholy lingers..
Reeks of musty soil layered..
Erstwhile gloomy,now the earth dons,
Flowerbeds of delighted hues afoot..
Iridescent sunset orange faded by dark bloom hovering..
Parched beds inundated with rivers blue,
Beauty, dances how gracefully She !!!
The coming of monsoon is a marvelous event. It has also been an event of interest for many an artist for as long as art has existed.
ReplyDeleteYour piece is elegant and beautiful. I think I have already told you that you are very efficient with your imagery. You seem to know when to use which shade of a word, if I may say so. As in, you know when it is apt to use 'peace' and when 'tranquility' is a better option.
Now, since you have asked me explicitly to offer critique, here goes:
ReplyDelete1> A few mishits with the punctuation here and there. For ex, "now the earth..." has misplaced commas. It should be "now the earth (comma) dons flowerbeds..". For added effect you could opt for putting one after 'now' as well to lend a pause. You could also do away with the comma altogether viz "Erstwhile gloomy/Now/the earth dons/flowerbeds..."
2> Sunset orange is a fairly general array of colors. You could put in a little effort into describing YOUR sunset orange. You see, sometimes 'azure' sounds more musical and is more faithful than 'sky blue'.. a case illustrating my point.
3> You paint a picture, a very pretty picture. But it is just a picture if you don't try to get something out of it. Personify some elements of it. Play with allegories. There is a lot that you can do with nature poetry. Experiment. That'll give the piece a life of its own. Otherwise, it is, to paraphrase Coleridge, only a 'painted ship upon a painted ocean', no matter how beautiful. Now make that ocean boil and that ship ride it. :-)
Thank you bhaiyaa :)
ReplyDeleteI am surely going to work upon my mistakes.
This is why I had always wanted your remarks.